Taste testers from Half Minister/Half Mistress- the Life of a Ministry Wife
                                                                                    by Nicole Morgan

 

From 1st Course- "...But again, no one on the outside sees that side. They only see the mirage. All they see are these men who seem to be all-powerful. And they want to use that power to take them out of whatever miserable situation their own lives has them in. They see what seem like “the perks”. They see the parking spaces for the 1st Lady (most times the musician’s wives are parking in the lot across the street just like everyone else). They imagine what life would be like if their name was on that space.

They see people running back and forth, seemingly at our beck and call. They never once stopped to think about how much gossip those runners are circulating with the info they attained from being on the “inside track”.

            They see our kids and how people are nice to them only because of who their parents are. She sucks her teeth in aggravation on the way home from church thinking about how no one even spoke to her son, and today was his birthday! What she doesn’t stop to consider is that our kids might not be doing so well in the ministry family spotlight.

            Sometimes our sons are slamming everything moving because they are having a hard time getting a handle on sexual urges they are having toward someone of the same sex. Our daughters are all caught up in the church musician hype and we’ve been hearing rumors that she might be pregnant. We, most times, don’t train the kids to break outside the shroud of secrecy that normal ministry families live in, so they don’t feel like they can come to us with their stuff. But she’s not thinking about any of that.

She sees the car you drive and imagines what type of house you live. She doesn’t know that the church hasn’t paid you a salary in months and the car is rental that was due back 3 weeks ago, and your house is in foreclosure.

            You’ve secretly entered back into the workforce to make ends meet, but still make it to church on Sunday and declare your love and dedication for and to God and his work. But those are sacrifices she’ll never even think about you having to make. In fact, I would go as far as to say that they don’t, while they are fantasizing about our “great” lives, think about the price that we pay to live it…”

From 2nd Course: "...  I find myself to be a pretty attractive woman. And not to boast

or brag, but men approach me on the pretty regular basis. Of course, I reject all of the advances but,

if I were being honest, which I am, I  would say that sometimes it feels pretty good to be flirted with.

Especially if it’s someone that looks like he might have had a shot if I were single. So, if I come home

and have to pummel my husband to the ground for a single compliment, I might be more inclined to

accept one of those dinner invitations from a good looking stranger under the premise of a friendly

late night snack. Our husbands are no different.

            I can remember being mad at PJ for being extraordinarily busy and unavailable at times and

saying to myself, “…and if he thinks he’s gonna come home and hop up and down on top of me…

he’s got another thing coming”. I know that none of you have ever had those types of feelings. But

I’m sure that you have friends that told you a story about a time when they said that to themselves.

Why?  I had my reasons  and I’m sure that they did too. But whatever those reasons are, they are

wrong. As difficult a concept as it may be for us to grasp, sex isn’t and wasn’t designed for us to use

as a bargaining chip. And each time that we play this dangerous game with our husbands, we

almost silently, give them license to walk away. 

            For women though, most times a denial of sex and sex acts is about something that is going

on with us emotionally. Let’s take a look..."

“…Ever wonder what a man’s attraction to prostitutes is? It’s not that he’s a morally corrupt individual. It’s that prostitutes are great at creating an illusion of security- a fantasy if you will. You won’t find a man with a prostitute and hear her say, “Lets do it with the lights off because I don’t want you to see my body”. NO! She’s confident. She’s like Leave the lights on. I want you to see exactly what you’re getting. She might not have the best body. She might be a little bit healthier than the kind of woman you thought he’d be attracted to. But it’s not about any of that.

She doesn’t come at him with a whole bunch of sob stories about who she is and who she isn’t. She’s confident in her skills and abilities, and has no problem making him feel like he can relax and be thoroughly taken care of. That’s why he’s going to see her. She’s a master magician. And just because he is a minister doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want to see the show.

You might not want to give it to him, but just know that your unwillingness and sometimes absolute refusal to even try to give it to him, is the reason he’s at someone else box office with cash in hand.

And while we’re here, let me just say this…an insecure woman is a prowling woman’s dream. She knows that by her mere presence she can affect you and cause you to act irrationally and out of character (i.e. keying cars, fighting in the parking lot, prank calling, nasty emails, etc.). She doesn’t have to do much because if she taunts you long enough you’ll destroy your own marriage. All she needs to do is call the house once or be seen giving him half a hug, and you’re going off and walking away from the relationship- making your husband an eligible bachelor for her risk-free taking.

You need to know that no matter who is showing or offering your husband what, that what you’ve got is special and tailor-made just for him. You have to know and believe that even if he does decide to venture out to see if the grass really is greener that he’ll be sorely disappointed because you really are all that he needs. You are the only thing that is in your 100% control to fix. Don’t let your thinking that he wants to pull up in and park in someone else’s driveway be the reason that he does.

             “…The Bible says to know them that labor amongst you. It didn’t say that we had to like everything we find out. But if we deal with our husbands according to what we know about them, instead of trying to force them into our unrealistic ideals about what they should and shouldn’t like, who and when they should and shouldn’t love, we’re off to a good start.

The truth is that we can be real hypocrites in this area. We want our husbands to be all that we think a man can be. We want him to work and pay the bills. We want him to open car doors and be nice to our friends. We want him to be the go-to guy when it comes to all matters spiritual and otherwise. We want him to take out the trash without being asked and make sure that our cars have gas before we leave the house in the morning. We want him to come home from work and automatically pick up where we left off with the house and kids. We want all of that stuff and more. Why? Because it makes us feel like we’ve got a real prize in our husbands. Right? But let him ask you to accompany him to the gym because he’d like to see you about 15lbs. slimmer, or maybe fix up your hair because he’s got company coming over, and you’re all up in arms. But why?

 What is the issue with giving him the things that make him feel like he’s got a real prize in his wife? GET YOUR THOUGHTLIFE TOGETHER!!!! Learn to work past your ego. Stop being governed by your pride. When you get up in the morning what’s the matter with dressing to please your husband?...”

            “…I see pastor and musician’s wives who walk around and don’t speak or barely speak to people. When visiting a church, and sometimes in their own churches, they come in with all of these requests and demands that they need to make them more “comfortable”, but really they are just to feed their egos. They need to feel like they’re being served.

They can’t go to any event unless they are sitting in the VIP section. And Heaven forbid that they are not escorted to their seats. Who cares that the service has already begun? They need to make a scene to be seen. They don’t need to be a part of the Praise and Worship experience. They are the

wife of Mr. Praise and Worship himself. I’ll stop there but I think you get my point. It’s a mess!

Along with walking Holily before the people, walk humbly. There is so much more that can be said there, but I think that line says it all. When people love you as a person, it wont be hard for them to receive from you. And if people are receiving from you and your husband, the Lord is going to bless and elevate you so that you can be more of a blessing to His people. There is no need in you using the backs of the people to climb up on and elevate yourselves to a place where your character can’t sustain you. We are public servants. That’s all. The moment you start thinking of yourself more than that and treating people like you are worth more than they are, you have made yourself of no use to the Kingdom of God. Think on that in your VIP seat…

“…PJ has been a professional musician since years before we even thought about meeting. When we met, he didn’t have a manager or an assistant or any of that. He did all of his own scheduling, booking, contract negotiation, and the whole nine. When we first got married I assumed that because I was now his wife that I would automatically be brought in as an integral part of his business. NOT SO!!

It wouldn’t be for a couple of years and 100’s of conversations that sound like this until he decided to let me into that part of his life. I’d say, “Hey honey. Can we go to the IKEA in Woodbridge tomorrow? I’d like to go and see if they have that round bed that I saw online.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

“Babe, I can’t go tomorrow. I’ll be out of town. Remember?”

“Out of town? Where are you going? No. I don’t remember.”

“Zimbabwe. I’m sorry babe. I thought I told you. Yeah. My boy’s wife is having a baby and they needed someone to fill in for him on the Kirk gig. It was a last minute thing. I’ll beback next Saturday.”

Keep in mind that today is Monday.

“So, you are telling me today that you are leaving for Zimbabwe tomorrow and won’t be back until Saturday of next week? How am I supposed to feel about that?”

So we kept having that same conversation in different variations of length of time gone, and location. If it wasn’t that he was going to be out of town, it was that he was going to be in a series of rehearsals or studio sessions that would pretty much make him unavailable for long periods of time. He wasn’t intentionally leaving me out, but that didn’t make me feel any less like I wasn’t a priority in his life.

After a while I was either unable, or probably more like unwilling, to believe that he was so engrossed in whatever he was doing that he couldn’t at least mention, even in passing, that he was going to be otherwise occupied and unavailable for me and the kids for 6 days, 3 days, or whatever length of time. I didn’t stop talking to him though. I continued to, as lovingly as I could, let him know that each time he took a gig and didn’t feel obligated to at least let me know, that I didn’t feel important. I wasn’t asking him to ask for my permission to do outside engagements; I was simply asking to be informed about when my best friend, my lover, my life partner would be out of the house. I wanted to know when I wasn’t going to have any help with the kids. I needed to know when all of our affairs would rest on my shoulders alone. I needed to prepare my mind for all that needed to happen when he was gone. It became a “be courteous” issue for me. He got it after a while. I got it too. I hadn’t seen it before, but there was also a lesson for me to learn in there…"  

“…When he is not in your presence he should still be able to hear your loving advice about how it might not be the best idea to compliment all of the single, or even married, women in the church, or elsewhere. Not that you should be the only women he ever speaks to, or says anything nice to. That’s not what I’m saying at all. My only point is that he should use discretion, discernment and words chosen wisely. He’ll be better able to deduce, based on your previous conversation(s), because it may take more than one, what he should and shouldn’t say in order not to fuel up the misdirected person’s hope tank.

He may even remember that he told Sis. So and So that she looked nice in green 7 weeks ago, and since then she’s been wearing green in every shade imaginable, and breaking her neck to make sure that he sees her. Now it may all make sense to him. Don’t leave him out there in the dark…”